Stuff That Eats My Brain

CSI Grissom Pilot Episode

Let’s go back to where it all began, October 6, 2000. Grissom was a spazzy flirt, Catherine could move her face, Brass was an asshole, Nicky was the n00biest n00b to ever n00b, Warrick was still alive, Greg ruled the lab, and as for Sara…well, I’ll get to her in the next recap.

The POV switches back and forth between the Las Vegas skyline and a hand loading a gun with bullets. Um, that might have been redundant. It’s not like you guys were thinking the gun was being loaded with cheese or shampoo or something. Anyway, we hear a man’s voice: “My name is Royce Harmon. I reside at 7642 Carpenter Street, Las Vegas, Nevada. I am 41 years of age…and I’m going to kill myself. I’d like to say ‘I love you’ to my mother Paige and my sister Gina. I’m so sorry. I never wanted to put you through this. I just can’t do it anymore. I love you, Mom.” Then, a shot rings out.

Later, cops surround the house on Carpenter Street. As an SUV pulls up, a detective jokes to another, “Here comes the nerd squad.” That would be Gil Grissom and Jim Brass. Brass is complaining about something, which is pretty much his default mode in these early episodes. They head inside to check out Harmon’s body. Harmon was thoughtful enough to kill himself in the bathtub on a sleeping bag for easy clean-up, and leave the window open so the smell would alert the neighbors. Grissom finds a maggot and determines from its developmental stage that Harmon has been dead a week. He also discovers a small tape recorder and says he may have found the suicide note.

The tape is being played for Harmon’s mom and sister and it includes the gunshot, which makes Gina shriek a little. If Harmon was so close to his mom and sister, why was his body not discovered for a whole week? My mom gets worried if she doesn’t hear from me for three days. Paige tells Gina to go upstairs and says this isn’t happening. Grissom offers his condolences but Paige didn’t mean it like that. She says the body is her son’s but it’s not his voice on the tape. Dun dun DUUUUUUUUUN!

Credits by The Who. Whoa, the pilot has only five cast members in the credits. It’s a nice change from the major cast bloat the show suffered in seasons five and six.

A fresh-faced young woman walks into the lab. This is Holly Gribbs, baby CSI. She’s not destined to last long, not because she gets shot (spoiler!) but because she gets way too freaked out by the fetal pig and other gooey things in Grissom’s office. If she can’t handle that, then she’s definitely not cut out for things like body soup and snakes crawling out of a corpse’s mouth. Grissom creeps up behind her and says hello, practically giving her a heart attack. He apologizes but not very sincerely, and welcomes her to the team. He also demands a pint of her blood, saying it’s customary for new hires. She asks why and he cryptically replies, “So many reasons.”

In the locker room, Nick Stokes and Warrick Brown get ready for work. From this scene we learn the following: they’ve each solved 99 cases and whoever solves their 100th case will be promoted to CSI level 3, they have a bet riding on who gets there first, Warrick likes to gamble, and they’re both hot. Only one of these things actually matters. I’ll let you decide which one.

Grissom is chattering about the joys of crime scene investigation but Holly’s not interested, because she heard it all in the academy and also because she’s feeling woozy from blood loss. Grissom offers a snack to boost her blood sugar but she eyeballs the suspicious-looking crunchy things and declines. Grissom shrugs and cheerfully munches on the grasshopper.

Brass hands out assignments to the assembled team. Everyone’s there except Catherine Willows, who’s late because she’s kissing her daughter goodbye. Remember when Catherine had a sister? Yeah, neither does this show. After everyone’s gotten their assignments, Brass talks to Holly in his office. He’s complaining (drink!) because Holly only got assigned to CSI thanks to her mother being a police lieutenant. Holly rattles off her qualifications and whines that Brass pre-judging her isn’t fair. He doesn’t care and dismisses her. Grissom’s watched the whole exchange and Brass tells him to take Holly to an autopsy to see how she handles it.

Warrick and Catherine’s case is a home invasion. The husband says his wife’s drunk, freeloading friend was only supposed to stay with them for two weeks while he got back on his feet. After six months, the husband had enough and kicked the drunk out. The drunk tried to force his way back in and the husband shot him to protect his wife and baby. Warrick thinks the man is lying and it doesn’t help his suspicions when the victim’s shoes are each tied differently. The husband also has a wound on his toe, although he claims he got it tripping over a baby rattle.

Morgue. The coroner is an old dude we’ll never see again, perhaps because he looks like he’s already one of the corpses he examines. Zombie Coroner confirms Grissom’s belief that Royce Harmon was murdered. The perpetually squeamish Holly lasts about 5 seconds before she bolts. Zombie Coroner observes that Holly is cute and Grissom’s like, “Yeah, I’d tap that.” Holly misses the bathroom and ends up in the morgue but she yacks all over the floor before realizing where she is, and then she can’t figure out how to get out and panics. Holly’s dumber than a box of hair, y’all. Grissom comes to her rescue and hugs her (!!), then yells, “You assholes!” (!!!) at the bodies, then pats her face and arms to calm her down (!!!!). I’m sorry, who is this man and what have you done with the repressed, socially retarded weirdo I know and love?

Nick’s case is a trickroll, otherwise known as karma for cheating on your wife. A tourist, robbed of all but his underclothes and cowboy boots, claims he’s never strayed for 31 years but somehow Las Vegas made him pick up a hooker. In flashback, we see Mr. Laferty returning to his hotel room with the hooker. They made out for a bit, he recalls the hooker’s bra coming off and he dove right on for a motorboating, then he was out like a light. Laferty insists his heart condition prevents him from drinking so she couldn’t have slipped him something. Nick spots some discoloration on Laferty’s gums and takes a swab.

Grissom drops Holly off at her first crime scene. He explains it’s a routine liquor store robbery and tells her to dust for prints and take photos. He says he’ll be back in an hour to pick her up. She looks nervous about being left alone but steels herself and heads inside. Unfortunately, she has difficulty concentrating on her work because the owner is haranguing her to hurry up so she can re-open. Holly does her best to calm the woman down so she can finish her work. Her best isn’t good enough because the woman pulls a gun on Holly. At least she remains calm enough to call for backup instead of bursting into tears or something.

Warrick checks out some hair samples from the home invasion at the lab and discovers that they were pulled out by force, indicating a struggle. He interrogates the husband, who admits there was a struggle and the shoe came off during it. He put the victim’s shoe on afterwards and admits that was a mistake, but maintains that he shot out of self-defense.

Nick’s brought his hooker swabs (Hooker Swabs is the name of my new band) to a certain adorable, crazy-haired lab tech named Greg Sanders. Greg says he may not be able to get anything from the mouth swab, saying vaginal swabs are better and anal swabs are “money.” Then he and Nick repeat “anal swabs” about a million times. If anyone wonders why people write porny fanfic about Nick and Greg, this is where it all began. After making small talk for a few moments, the results come up and Greg tells a disappointed Nick that he didn’t get anything useful.

Catherine rides to Holly’s rescue this time, charging into the liquor store with her gun drawn. She confiscates the owner’s gun and tells her to pick it up later. She also scolds the lady and says if she doesn’t care to find out who robbed her, neither do they. As Catherine ushers Holly out the door, Holly quietly asks if she’s allowed to do that. “No,” Catherine giggles.

Grissom uses a golf club to smash a dummy’s head, sending blood spattering across a sheet. Warrick comes in and Grissom explains that he’s performing an experiment related to a blunt force trauma case. The blood was Holly’s and Grissom asks if Warrick wants to donate. “Hell no,” Warrick scoffs, having figured out Grissom’s creepy tricks. Heh. Grissom asks about the case and Warrick says he knows the husband committed murder. Grissom advises him to let his assumptions go and to concentrate on what cannot lie, the evidence. Warrick takes this to mean he should examine the shoe more closely. Science Music Video! Warrick looks all around the shoe carefully before finally thinking to peer inside. He finds a toenail sliver.

Grissom pays a visit to the print tech, who’s got something interesting to show him regarding the Harmon case. She shows him a print on the tape recorder and says it’s almost too perfect, like it was planted. She adds that she found traces of latex and cooking spray in the print. Grissom wonders how a blind date with latex and cooking spray would end up and the tech snaps back, “Better than ours did.” Grissom looks nonplussed and says he thought she’d have a good time seeing The Wizard of Oz synched to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon. Oh, Grissom. He says he wanted to be different and she tells him if that’s his goal he should pin her up against the wall and lay one on her. Grissom smirks like he’s about 10 seconds away from doing that (!!!!!).

Catherine treats Holly to the graveyard shift’s version of lunch and gives her a pep talk on being a CSI. Holly admits that she got pushed into by her mother, who never got the chance to break free from the traffic department. Catherine says she’s not going to advise Holly to quit because she loves her job. “We’re just a bunch of kids getting paid to work on puzzles.” She tells Holly to stick with it at least until she solves her first case. If she still wants to quit after that, that’s her call. “But if you stick with it, hand to God, you will never regret it.” Interesting to look back on that statement now, given the nine plus years of regrets all the characters have dealt with, even the ones still on the job. Even Catherine.

Warrick has taken his evidence to Brass and asks for a warrant to examine the husband’s toenails and house, but Brass refuses to call a judge at 4 in the morning. They argue about it, getting progressively louder, until Brass gets a call. He puts it on speaker and it’s Grissom, saying he’s got a match to the print in the Harmon case. Smirking at Warrick, Brass says he’ll call a judge for a warrant. Warrick glares like he could explode Brass’ head with his mind and storms out.

Nick arrives on the scene of a traffic accident. An officer explains that the driver says she passed out for no reason. Nick goes over to examine the attractive woman, who is bleary and repeats that she doesn’t know what happened. Thinking this might be related to his hooker case, he asks her to open her mouth and she’s confused but he’s cute and flirting with her so she complies. He notes that he sees no discoloration and after exchanging smitten googly eyes with her, tells the EMTs to take her to the hospital.

Warrick lurks creepily in his car outside a mansion. A security guard busts him and there’s a confrontation until the homeowner comes out and yells at the guard for trying to arrest a fellow officer. The guard says he got a call about a black man hanging around and I know it’s supposed to be horribly racist but I’d be calling the cops if I saw anyone (ITALICS) just sitting in their car outside somebody’s house at 4 am. Anyway, the homeowner is Judge Harrison and Warrick bypassed Brass to get his warrant. Harrison agrees and promises to make it right with Brass but only if Warrick puts $5000 on the Green Bay Packers in their upcoming game against the 49ers. Warrick is pleased with the arrangment.

Grissom’s print is a match to Paul Millander, who looks deeply confused as to why he’s been brought in for questioning in the middle of the night. O’Riley’s bad cop approach isn’t helping so Grissom steps in. He asks Millander if he can explain why latex would be found on one of his prints and Millander says that’s his job. Said job entails making masks and molds for costumes. Millander shows Grissom around his workshop and Grissom asks if Millander makes any rubber hands. Millander says he’s made at least 10,000 and he uses his own hand as the mold. Grissom says Millander is free to go and explains to a baffled O’Riley that anyone who purchased one of the 10,000 hands could’ve used it to plant the print, using the cooking spray to make it stick. “He’s proficient in forensics,” Grissom realizes.

Hospital. Nick chases down a doctor – hey, it’s Aasif Mandvi! – and asks about the girl who was brought in after crashing her car. Dr. Mandvi says six hookers have been brought in recently with two things in common: they were all mysteriously knocked out and they all had skin discoloration on their nipples. Nick makes a beeline for the girl’s room and asks to see her knockers. Well, not exactly in those terms. The hooker makes a crack about him owing her $20 for the privilege then drops her gown. Nick confirms that she’s got the discoloration and basically tells her she can go after she hands over Mr. Laferty’s belongings and whatever she used to knock him out. She rolls her eyes and hands over a bottle of eyedrops, but back at the lab Greg analyzes it and says it’s really a powerful sedative used for motion sickness. Later, Nick returns Laferty’s stuff to him. Laferty is very relieved and promises to take his risks at the tables from now on.

Grissom pays a visit to Paige and Gina to tell them that Royce Harmon’s death is being investigated as a murder, not a suicide. Paige says it may sound bad but she’s relieved to hear her son didn’t take his own life. Grissom promises to solve the case.

Catherine investigates the case of a little girl who was molested, then she makes a brief stop at home to check in on her daughter. This little interlude is only to point out that Catherine will often have difficulties separating her professional and personal lives. Quick visits home during a shift to visit Lindsey is only the tip of the iceberg.

Brass has learned about Warrick’s shenanigans and he’s not pleased. He takes Warrick off the case, telling him that Judge Harrison’s call saved his job but that doesn’t mean he’s off the hook. Warrick is angrily defensive and tells Brass he hates him because criminals walk every day thanks to him. Brass ignores the tirade and tells Grissom to take over the case and have Warrick babysit Holly for three weeks. Grissom tries to get a seething Warrick to settle down, telling him that he lost the case when he made it all about himself. Warrick breathes deeply and glares at Holly, who is all, “Sorry you’re stuck with me.”

Warrick drives Holly over to a robbery scene and tells her to start work processing everything. He’s got to run an errand and says he’ll be back soon. Feeling a lot more confident than she did earlier, she says she’s ready to go and there’s a cop at the scene if she needs anything.

Grissom shows up at the home invasion house and hands over the controversial warrant. The husband says he’s conveniently already clipped his toenails and flushed them down the toilet, but that doesn’t stop Grissom. He cheerfully asks to see the toilet and uses a UV light to search the bathroom, finding a few tiny clippings. One is enough to match it to the one Warrick found in the shoe. After throwing the wife’s friend out, the husband had her open the door and he coolly fired three shots point blank at the friend, then used the friend’s shoes to kick in the door and fake a home invasion. Grissom calls Warrick to tell him the good news just as Warrick’s pulling up to a betting booth. Warrick is too busy hollering for joy over being right that he places Judge Harrison’s bet on the 49ers and not on the Packers as instructed.

Holly’s dusting for prints at the robbery scene when a man walks in and startles her. He says he’s a neighbor and just saw a police car leave, so he’s checking to see if everything is okay. Holly explains about the robbery and says everything’s fine, then get back to work. She doesn’t see the guy pull a gun from his waistband.

Having solved his 100th case, Grissom is delighted to promote Nick to a CSI level 3. Warrick graciously applauds and only looks a little disappointed. Catherine offers to buy everyone breakfast but before they can leave Brass arrives to poop on their party. He announces that Holly has been shot and the doctors don’t think she’s going to make it. He puts Warrick on administrative leave for not staying with Holly like he was supposed to. The rest of the team will be pulling a double shift. Brass leaves while everyone stands there looking stunned and sickened.